The Frightening Thing About Putting Myself Out There.

I very often wind up panicking. As a first time soon-to-be published author who has written about a popular entity I'm afraid of not only what my influences will think, if they think anything at all, but often if I did something wrong. The latter stems from the fact that I basically wrote fan-fiction about a real-life, well-known figure that many people are actually very interested in. I respect Billy the Kid and what he represented, and the last thing I wanted to do was do anything that was in anyway disrespectful to someone else’s life, but to tell his story I absolutely had to tell it in a different way, otherwise I'd be a thief and a hack. I try to remember that the reality is this…with all the celebrities that people are so caught up in, and all the writers who are brilliant and extraordinarily successful, who the hell is ever really going to concern themselves with what I’ve done other than me? I fight with myself as to whether or not I met my ultimate writing goal or not, and I think the point I’m trying to make here is, when it comes down to it, it only matters if I’m proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished, and I am.

The Frightening Thing About Putting Myself Out There.

I very often wind up panicking. As a first time soon-to-be published author who has written about a popular entity I'm afraid of not only what my influences will think, if they think anything at all, but often if I did something wrong. The latter stems from the fact that I basically wrote fan-fiction about a real-life, well-known figure that many people are actually very interested in. I respect Billy the Kid and what he represented, and the last thing I wanted to do was do anything that was in anyway disrespectful to someone else’s life, but to tell his story I absolutely had to tell it in a different way, otherwise I'd be a thief and a hack. I try to remember that the reality is this…with all the celebrities that people are so caught up in, and all the writers who are brilliant and extraordinarily successful, who the hell is ever really going to concern themselves with what I’ve done other than me? I fight with myself as to whether or not I met my ultimate writing goal or not, and I think the point I’m trying to make here is, when it comes down to it, it only matters if I’m proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished, and I am.

How I, A Woman, Came To Write A Novel On Billy the Kid

Because people are always surprised and they want to know... Firstly, I've been writing since I was six years old. But until now, I never, ever, attempted anything serious with my writing. Quite frankly, as far as Billy is concerned, it's because I fell in love him. That sounds weird to say, and I'm sure it's weird to read, because let's face it, it's just flat out weird. But follow me if you can...

I fell in love with him from a historical standpoint. When I was thirteen and went to the movies to see Young Guns, that portrayal of him fascinated me. Okay...it helped that it was Emilio Estevez up there, but still, I was beside myself. But might I just say here that, though Emilio played him right for the screen and I wouldn't want anything changed, I'd be willing to bet a lot that he got it wrong personally. No way, by all accounts, was Billy actually like that.

I've always loved the old west, and I can't tell you why; I can't tell you how it started. And I've adored Billy the Kid ever since that day in 1988. So in 2009 when I caught Young Guns on cable I flipped out. It was just as bizarre as it sounds. Something about that film and remembering William H. Bonney (and Emilio Estevez in that role) struck a chord with me. I remembered being thirteen and trying to find every bit of information I could about Billy, and how I wanted to write a book about him all the way back then, but in those days we couldn't Google information, and based on the fluff out on there on the internet today, I'm not sure there's so much difference between then and now. But in 2009 I was reminded of how I was never quite sated. I knew things about him, had also forgotten things about him, so I decided to buy several books about him and finally learn everything there was to learn. Michael Wallis' book was the first biography I read, and though I appreciate his book and carry it with me while I'm writing out my fan-fiction in case I need to check up on some facts, he seems to speculate a bit too much and extrapolate, which is fine for me as a reader, but as someone who wants to know the facts as best as they can be recalled, it doesn't always work so well. I wanted to be responsible in writing my novel.

I received Fredrick Nolan's The West of Billy the Kid for Christmas, devoured that, and began working on a biography of Billy. There are so many bios out there, and since I was attempting to write another, I decided I'd come from the angle of a character study. See, all of the books tell you what happened when and where, and they delve into his life (what little is known) and what he was like as a real, living breathing person via interviews through people who knew him, but the books never seemed to examine "why". Sure enough the writer's have flare, I'll give them that, but I wanted Billy "invented" for me. So I began working on my own consideration of him, and after a long stretch of writing, I determined that not only would it be a waste of time to write another biography of Billy, but that it would also consist of my being a hack and stealing the hard work of others, namely Fredrick Nolan, the accepted, noted authority on Billy the Kid, and Bob Boze Bell. And as far as my gimmick of turning it into a character study, without the educational credentials, who would take my character study seriously? I mean, the thing is, I'm an excellent student of the human condition--I think most of us are--and I think it was fair enough for me to try and explore him from a more humane angle and give him three dimensions, but I knew it could not only ultimately result in a pointless endeavor, but again would simply result in me stealing from the authors who took the time to track down and reveal information previously unfounded and I am no hack! Nolan wrote a book called The Lincoln County War, and I consider it the bible on the Lincoln County war. It's amazing. The book includes letters from all of the key players--it's unbelievable!

And Bob Boze Bell wrote up a wonderful book in which he includes his own illustrations alongside what basically amounts to a book-length timeline with a lot of interesting information. The book itself is called The Illustrated Life and Times of Billy the Kid and it is incredible!! I simply adore it! His artwork is simply amazing! No, it's quite stunning to say the least! So...I've always been a writer and wanted to write about Billy, and in not being a hack, what was I to do? I knew it in my heart, down to my bones, however you want to say it, that I WANTED to write about him. That *I* wanted a chance at telling his story as I understood him in my own mind. I knew I'd be responsible and fair towards him. So, I guess I did what any writer would do and "created". I wrote what basically amounts to fan-fiction, though my goal was to express this boy as I felt he may have been in life, and I am strict in regards to the facts in his life (aside from the fictitious characters I had to create, of course). I had no choice but to write fan-fiction because his story has been told over one hundred different ways already. I had to bring something new to the table, but in order to do that I needed a protagonist that I could understand and use to help me accomplish my goal, so I created Lucy, the girl who falls in love with Billy. By using a female who becomes intimate with the Kid, I was able to get close to Billy in the way another man could not. And in being a 16 year old girl myself once upon a time, I could guide her. I could use her to describe him and his reactions--his personality. I could make him live, even if only on paper, so that even I myself could get a better idea of him. I was absolutely fascinated with his life. Think about it: This young, misunderstood, six-shooting desperado trying to push back against the crooked political machine that dominated out west. Well, I guess he got to me the way he got to many of the girls he knew while alive. Whatever passion he had in life always managed to jump out through the pages of the books I read as though it couldn't be helped. I don't think there is a way to make Billy the Kid boring--not if you decide you want to learn about who he was and take up the challenge of picking up a book that discusses him. He was definitely the perfect object/historical figure for me to write about. And it helps that today he is still a contemporary figure of controversy.

All-in-all, it took me 3 years of research in preparing to write my book and its sequel, and another year and a half between editing and finding a publisher. A good book takes time, people.

How I, A Woman, Came To Write A Novel On Billy the Kid

Because people are always surprised and they want to know... Firstly, I've been writing since I was six years old. But until now, I never, ever, attempted anything serious with my writing. Quite frankly, as far as Billy is concerned, it's because I fell in love him. That sounds weird to say, and I'm sure it's weird to read, because let's face it, it's just flat out weird. But follow me if you can...

I fell in love with him from a historical standpoint. When I was thirteen and went to the movies to see Young Guns, that portrayal of him fascinated me. Okay...it helped that it was Emilio Estevez up there, but still, I was beside myself. But might I just say here that, though Emilio played him right for the screen and I wouldn't want anything changed, I'd be willing to bet a lot that he got it wrong personally. No way, by all accounts, was Billy actually like that.

I've always loved the old west, and I can't tell you why; I can't tell you how it started. And I've adored Billy the Kid ever since that day in 1988. So in 2009 when I caught Young Guns on cable I flipped out. It was just as bizarre as it sounds. Something about that film and remembering William H. Bonney (and Emilio Estevez in that role) struck a chord with me. I remembered being thirteen and trying to find every bit of information I could about Billy, and how I wanted to write a book about him all the way back then, but in those days we couldn't Google information, and based on the fluff out on there on the internet today, I'm not sure there's so much difference between then and now. But in 2009 I was reminded of how I was never quite sated. I knew things about him, had also forgotten things about him, so I decided to buy several books about him and finally learn everything there was to learn. Michael Wallis' book was the first biography I read, and though I appreciate his book and carry it with me while I'm writing out my fan-fiction in case I need to check up on some facts, he seems to speculate a bit too much and extrapolate, which is fine for me as a reader, but as someone who wants to know the facts as best as they can be recalled, it doesn't always work so well. I wanted to be responsible in writing my novel.

I received Fredrick Nolan's The West of Billy the Kid for Christmas, devoured that, and began working on a biography of Billy. There are so many bios out there, and since I was attempting to write another, I decided I'd come from the angle of a character study. See, all of the books tell you what happened when and where, and they delve into his life (what little is known) and what he was like as a real, living breathing person via interviews through people who knew him, but the books never seemed to examine "why". Sure enough the writer's have flare, I'll give them that, but I wanted Billy "invented" for me. So I began working on my own consideration of him, and after a long stretch of writing, I determined that not only would it be a waste of time to write another biography of Billy, but that it would also consist of my being a hack and stealing the hard work of others, namely Fredrick Nolan, the accepted, noted authority on Billy the Kid, and Bob Boze Bell. And as far as my gimmick of turning it into a character study, without the educational credentials, who would take my character study seriously? I mean, the thing is, I'm an excellent student of the human condition--I think most of us are--and I think it was fair enough for me to try and explore him from a more humane angle and give him three dimensions, but I knew it could not only ultimately result in a pointless endeavor, but again would simply result in me stealing from the authors who took the time to track down and reveal information previously unfounded and I am no hack! Nolan wrote a book called The Lincoln County War, and I consider it the bible on the Lincoln County war. It's amazing. The book includes letters from all of the key players--it's unbelievable!

And Bob Boze Bell wrote up a wonderful book in which he includes his own illustrations alongside what basically amounts to a book-length timeline with a lot of interesting information. The book itself is called The Illustrated Life and Times of Billy the Kid and it is incredible!! I simply adore it! His artwork is simply amazing! No, it's quite stunning to say the least! So...I've always been a writer and wanted to write about Billy, and in not being a hack, what was I to do? I knew it in my heart, down to my bones, however you want to say it, that I WANTED to write about him. That *I* wanted a chance at telling his story as I understood him in my own mind. I knew I'd be responsible and fair towards him. So, I guess I did what any writer would do and "created". I wrote what basically amounts to fan-fiction, though my goal was to express this boy as I felt he may have been in life, and I am strict in regards to the facts in his life (aside from the fictitious characters I had to create, of course). I had no choice but to write fan-fiction because his story has been told over one hundred different ways already. I had to bring something new to the table, but in order to do that I needed a protagonist that I could understand and use to help me accomplish my goal, so I created Lucy, the girl who falls in love with Billy. By using a female who becomes intimate with the Kid, I was able to get close to Billy in the way another man could not. And in being a 16 year old girl myself once upon a time, I could guide her. I could use her to describe him and his reactions--his personality. I could make him live, even if only on paper, so that even I myself could get a better idea of him. I was absolutely fascinated with his life. Think about it: This young, misunderstood, six-shooting desperado trying to push back against the crooked political machine that dominated out west. Well, I guess he got to me the way he got to many of the girls he knew while alive. Whatever passion he had in life always managed to jump out through the pages of the books I read as though it couldn't be helped. I don't think there is a way to make Billy the Kid boring--not if you decide you want to learn about who he was and take up the challenge of picking up a book that discusses him. He was definitely the perfect object/historical figure for me to write about. And it helps that today he is still a contemporary figure of controversy.

All-in-all, it took me 3 years of research in preparing to write my book and its sequel, and another year and a half between editing and finding a publisher. A good book takes time, people.

Writing Is A Lonely Endeavor

If you're serious about writing--if it's in your blood--then you're going to eventually sit your ass down and write. It's going to happen because it has to. If you're like me you'll spend many a time saying to yourself "I must get published before I die!" The thing about it, though, is it's lonely. You spend countless hours creating a brand new world in text and it's just you and your laptop (or just you and a pencil and paper if you're "that sort"). It helps if you've "fallen in love" with your characters, as I have, because it means that, even though they are figments of your imagination, they still constitute some semblance of a support system. But still, you will have nobody who is flesh and blood to talk to. People simply do not want to hear or talk about your writing, especially if you've never been published.

Firstly, people don't often take it seriously. Most people say they are going to write a book-there is an exorbitant amount of people who say this! And guess what…they never complete a novel. In fact, they never even get started on it. It’s practically a running joke. Secondly, nobody wants to hear about a book you’re working on that may never, ever see a bookstand or be downloaded. It’s boring for them and, apparently, a waste of their time. I think a major factor in this is, when one is working on a novel, it's not considered a real job, even though it's hard work, so why bother discussing it?

You might get lucky; you might have a friend who is willing to proofread your work and help guide you along by participating as your test audience. You might have a friend (or family member) who is completely supportive and will let you talk at length about the difficulties your having because difficulties abound when writing a book. But in most cases, be prepared to suffer your inner-turmoil all on your own.

But, let’s say for the sake of argument you’re not “that guy”, the guy who says he's going to write the great American novel and never does. You're actually going to sit down and write the hell out of a book! Well, you’re still in the running with "that guy" until something truly tangible has been achieved. So it’s just you and yourself, buddy. And even after you’ve gotten published (if you make it) people still don’t want to sit around talking about your book. But, you will have that added measure of respect, so, it’s not all bad.

Remember, not everyone can write a book! It’s impressive when someone actually accomplishes it. Writing is hard work on so many levels, but for the sake of this particular installment, it’s definitively difficult on your psyche. You’re basically living inside your head, thinking, dreaming about your story and your characters 24/7. You begin to lose touch with close friends, and even relatives because they cannot relate to you and will not even bother to try. Unfortunately, they don’t realize how detrimental it is for you if they don’t at least try and connect; they don't realize how much you need them to be there for you on your own--without your forcing them to listen. Nobody wants to talk to someone if they have to hold them hostage. Friends and family don't understand your difficulties; they take it personal when you become a loner, or in many cases become agitated. But in most cases this is because they don't bother checking in with you as they don't take your little "hobby" seriously. A good friend would make it a point to reach out to you. A simple, “How’s the book coming?” would suffice. Most times you won’t even get that. So there’s the hurt that accompanies the loneliness.

It’s true that people just don’t take it seriously enough to want to discuss it. They don’t buy into it no matter how much it means to you. If you’re lucky like me, you’ll have one person you can turn to who you can, at the very least, run ideas by, or ask to read an installment. My husband was there for me constantly in this regard. He has yet to read my novel (Hmph!), but he can tell you who my characters are and what their backstory is. He can tell you the plot, and he even visualizes in his head what certain characters look like.

Settle in for the long haul and try to hang on, because humans were not meant to be that secluded for that long. And get used to not discussing your book with anybody, but just having simple conversations with them about everyday things. You’ll need that as an exercise to stay sane, though you will probably lose it and go around the bend on occasion for a very short period of time. Say maybe an hour or two. But remember this: if you're serious about writing a book, you'll have to make that sacrifice. Don't let shitty friends dictate the achievement of a special accomplishment that most people don't even get to realize.